I Haven't Got a Clue

One year ago, actually on cinco de mayo, 2009, I was driving alone in my truck heading home from who knows where listening to the radio.  I can recall the day like it was yesterday, especially the feelings I had.  To cut to the chase and be very BLUNT – I was feeling MISERABLE!  I had a storm raging inside of me that could not be calmed.  My life to others, acquaintances and those who did not live with me, may have looked “rosy” but behind closed doors in my personal dwelling place, both physically and mentally, my life had become unmanageable.  So unmanageable in-fact that I said to my husband, “I just want to go to sleep and NEVER wake up!  I cannot live like this any longer.”

Live like THIS?  What was THIS?  What did that mean?  For months leading up to this day I would rack my brain trying to figure out what living like “THIS” meant.  I was exploring what changes I could make in my world that would make me feel better.   What could I do?  At the time I could not see.  I was blind to everything.  I had no answers.  I thought maybe if I traveled less that would make me happy.  OR, maybe if I worked out/exercised more, I would feel better.  OR, if I was more organized OR worked more OR worked less OR ate healthier, etc.  I tried EVERYTHING that I could think of and NOTHING – NO THING was bringing me joy.  What I was doing was NOT working.

On that noteworthy day, as I was driving, I heard a song that I had heard no less than 100 times before.  For some reason the words spoke LOUD to me that day.  I cranked it up and started singing the words at the TOP of my lungs as tears streamed down my face. I’m super sure that the people driving next to me were judging me like I was a psycho crazy woman!!!  Oh well.  I prayed these words to God as I sang them from the bottom of my heart;  literally the cry of my heart.  I heard the words clearer and that day for some reason, they had meaning.  I wanted so deeply ~ EXACTLY ~ what that song spoke.

As I pulled into my driveway, I rushed into my house,  downloaded the song from iTunes,  googled the song and the lyrics on my computer, copied the lyrics and posted them into an email that I composed to my husband, here’s what it said:

B. this is my heart today.  This is my prayer………..

My life,
Has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find the faith that’s gone
This time,
I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You

My life,
Has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without…

I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won’t You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You

Oh, give me a revelation…

I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You

(Revelation by Third Day – click on this link to listen)

I love you, T

I surrendered that day.  I humbly raised the white flag and decided that I was DONE and I was WILLING to let go of the wheel.  NOTE:  The key word is WILLING.  Just like everything, change takes time, but by simply being willing, God was able.  That day, he started to slowly take over the wheel.  I had no idea what was in store for me, but His gracious, merciful hand was about to give me the revelation I earnestly prayed for in just a short week.

I will continue this story on May 13, 2010.  But for now I want to leave you with this…………..if you’re at a crossroad in your life or searching for clarity, purpose, or freedom consider making this song your prayer.

Follow this link to read the rest of the story.

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Comments

  1. John says:

    About 18 months ago I started on a journey as well. It was one where I became willing. Since then, I continuously have been running into people who have gone thru the same revelation. Our God is so patient with us, he meets us right where we are, not where we want to be to be pleasing to him. This is the example of unconditional love, and He is the author of that love.

    Teri, May God Bless you abundantly!!

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