I said yes, really meant no – am I honest?

yesno4It’s 2:14am and I’m up.  NOT because I want to be, but because I couldn’t fall BACK to sleep after my son slapped me in the face with his hand.  Here’s the deal.  When we got home from our St. Patrick’s Day evening fun with our friends at 9:00pm on a school night, my youngest son wanted to sleep with me, how sweet!!  My husband is out of town so he begged and begged and I said YES.  Of course I know what that means deep down inside – I end up sleeping on the FAR left 1 foot area of the king size bed while my son tosses and turns hogging the covers ALL night long.  What I truly wanted to say was NO because I wanted to good night sleep, but I said yes……here I am.

My mind is racing about this simple question, prompted by my experience tonight……..If I say YES when I really mean NO, am I being dishonest?  Looking back in my life I can identify MANY times where I said YES but meant NO.  The outcome of most of those situations didn’t turn out so good, for a lot of reasons.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe that we are often presented with things that we don’t really “feel” like doing.  Things that make us feel uncomfortable, push our limits physically or mentally, or get us to step out of our comfort zone.  Often times these things allow us to grow, experience new things and develop character.

I would consider myself to be an honest person, but as I answer this question I realize that I’m being dishonest.  UGH!  What I see God showing me is that this character trait NEEDS some work.  I need to be honest with myself – I believe that this is what it is really about.

When I’m confronted with the question from a friend who says, “I know that we were supposed to meet at noon for lunch, but can we change it to 12:30?” IF 12:30 doesn’t work for me I need to say NO, not YES.  This is a real life example, I’m embarrassed to admit it.  I said YES and then I was upset.  I’m pretty sure that when I got to lunch I wasn’t the best company to her because I was resentful.  Why?  Well, let me tell you ALL the reasons – 12:30 didn’t work for me, didn’t she understand that I’ve got a busy day?  I was checking my phone the whole time looking at the clock because I was pressed for time, I was impatient and distracted – BAD FRIEND!!  Why hadn’t I been honest?  I know this seems like a simple thing, what in the world was I doing – come on!  She didn’t deserve that.

The experiences similar to this in my life are many.  Another area where I’ve been dishonest is with volunteering of my time.  Oh the poor people who have to be around me when I’m doing something that I don’t want to be doing.  I’ve been told that my anger displays itself LOUDLY!  Isn’t that nice?!?!?  I don’t think so – UGH!  What I’ve found is that MY dishonesty leads to resentments, unproductiveness, procrastination, damaged relationships, and impatience.  ALL from a simple little answer and by not saying what I really meant to say.

Who set the ball in motion, and who am I to blame but myself?  As I peel back the layers, dig really deep, this little “white” lie, this smudge of dishonesty stems from fear and insecurity.  Maybe you ask yourself the same questions from time to time……..What will others think of me?  Will I be accepted?  Will I end up alone if I don’t do this?  Will I be loved if I don’t do that?……..When I’m operating out of fear, where is God?  If I’m insecure and pleasing people, then I’m NOT trusting God to meet my needs.  Either God IS or he IS NOT – He is NOT both.  In the end, when I am dishonest with myself, my life becomes unmanageable.  I’m over committed, sleep deprived, unhappy, and miserable.

Even though this is ALL pretty ugly, I’m taking it head on.  I’m hopeful that I will improve in this area of being honest with myself which in turn allows me to be honest with others.  I’m hopeful that more often than not my YES will mean YES, my NO will mean NO, and my motives will be selfless.

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